In 2015, Li Nan became a nun; the picture is taken when American writer Xuer visited her in Beijing. In the late 1960s and early 1970s, Li Nan spent years in Inner Mongolia as one of the millions of youth working in the countryside to be “reeducated”, otherwise known as Mao’s “sent-down” youth. The story below is one of many she wrote while doing manual labor in the countryside.
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The Story of Lan Fei
It is reasonable for children to be afraid of darkness, but it is a real tragic for adults to be afraid of light. —Plato
In the name of heart
April 4, 1969.
When the number 69 express to Qiqihaer left the station with a loud roar, you waved to Duoduo, who almost froze on the dim station, for the very last time. It was said that only highly skilled engineers could pull the train out gently, slowly disentangling the emotional ties of the traveler going far away. But nowadays there weren’t too many skilled engineers.
You leaned on the wall of the last seats of the carriage and looked at the surrounding quietly. Strangely, you felt so calm like it was not a running away from home, and even a sense of secure because of the existence of other passengers—you would not be conspicuous.
The train swayed monotonously, together with the past in your heart that was broken into pieces.
At the end of January, Xiumei, a girl from the same class told you a hearsay and her own estimation “The school’s direction of distribution is probably letting us go to the countryside, and the rate of girls getting married immediately would be at least one fifth as a result. Can you believe that?”
The school you were in was not a normal high school.
In 1964, a new form of school was built besides the traditional normal high school and secondary technical school, the part work part study school. This kind of school was administrated by the factory, in which the students worked part time and received living costs every month. After four years of study, these students would become professionals educated by the factory. It was advertised by the public opinion because this kind of new schools were said to train the most standard successors. However, you would not find out the fact that most students that attend the school were poor until you were actually enrolled. These students would have to stop their studies without the living cost.
“It cannot be.” You overturned the rumor with confidence not because you did not believe that those girls would get married. “I was told by a guy from the placement office that we were administrated by the Erqingju when I applied to go to Yunnan last year. We are on-the-job students, so the Anban had not right to place us.”
The train swayed like a cradle. The sleepy passengers were scared by the sometimes passing train, while you stared at these people without a single sense of sleepiness.
This train station had witnessed countless partings since you saw your younger brother off in 1967. Every time the train started moving, the cries of sorrow would rise to the skies, and countless hands would reach out to the train like they were pulling the train back. You felt so shamed for always staying on the station until the departure of Lili, your friend from childhood, who decided to walk to Inner Mongolia with her classmates.
You begged her: “Take me with you.”
Lili looked at you in expectation: “No, you cannot leave. You see, both my parents were in the cadre school. If you leave too, we would have no place to stay in Beijing. Please hold on!”
You sighed in your heart. If you could have predicted the future, you would leave early. There was no one left and you are all alone.
The noise of the wheels became messy. It seemed like the train was entering a small station. A woman with a red scarf on her neck walked past you.
The red paper was occupied by the big black characters— “good news”. The good news was put on the wall next to your door. Every time you walked past it, you seemed not to notice it while your hands were clenched into fists. The good news said that you were approved by the school committee, the People’s Liberation Army propaganda team, and the workers propaganda team to go to Lai county in Jilin.
The school committee declared that the students of 1964 and 1965 would be distributed together, but everyone should write an application for going to the countryside to submit to the Party. You knew things were not good. You had offended those who held your fate too much.
The “grand coalition” had been prepared for several months. The day before the committee was established, Tuzi and you sat together on the windowsill of the teaching building. You looked down at the people busy preparing for the meeting place, and started singing to join the fun. While Tuzi sang with emotion, you helped to search for the lyrics.
Beat the drums and strike the gongs,
I am here to deliver goods for the Left,
How wonderful are the goods on the car,
There are notebooks for start rumors,
And dozens of pen and pencil,
……
Be prepared for tomorrow,
Usurp the black gauze cap and fight hard,
……
Li Shun stared at you with his tooth clinching. How cold was that look. Li Shun was the head of the new committee, and it was not the first time he persecuted you. He did not even looked at Tuzi because she had a clear family background. He could only bully the weak.
Someone passed by and brought with him a gust of cool wind. You turned to look at the door on the train, which was slowly closing with the swaying of the train.
Lushun Haizi 538 troop was the one which the PLA propaganda team represent. For some unknown reasons, Dong political instructor, Zhong instructor, and Duan platoon leader were labeled Right deviation and were transferred. The only one left was Guo instructor from the Navy, who was a university student. He always posed into a front lunge before the meetings and recited with a lisp:
The first line I learned was
Long live Chairman Mao！
The first song I learned was
The East is Red！
……
You lowered your head and laughed when hearing it the first time. What a genius Guo was！
It was this passionate military representative who raised your letter to the revolutionary committee in front of two hundred people and declared firmly: ‘‘There is still someone in our school who does not believe in the workers propaganda team nor the PLA propaganda team！’’
It was on this very letter that you said the school’s distribution was throwing dirty water into other’s yard that made the good news not good anymore, and made it no longer glorious of Chairman Mao’s call for going down to the countryside.
It was late in the night, the standing passengers had all found seats, some just sat on their baggage. You were the only one who was still standing, staring into the darkness, indulged in the past.
You went to Dalan’s place the other night and brought with you several clothes to ask Dalan’s mother to put some patches on them. These were your outfit for the journey to the countryside. Who knows how long would you have to wear them?
Dalan’s mother put the clothes on the sewing machine away and stepped on the pedal quickly and sighed.
Dalan was your best friend, but you never spoke to her in the presence of others when you were in the school. You knew you had become a plague and would bring disaster for others. You would only visit Dalan, Xiumei, and Heping in the nights.
The school committee had already declared that the first group to go to the countryside would be ten people, and there would be the second group, and the third group. The sword of Damocles was hanging above everyone’s head.
There were ten people in the whole school to go to the countryside, and five of them were from your class. But you knew clearly that even there was only one person to go, it would be you.
And everyone knew now that those who went to the countryside could not raise their families, their families had to raise them instead. Most of the students were the only support of their families, and it would be a disaster if they left.
It was the same for Dalan. You had lived with them and you had the impression of Dalan’s mother working hard by the sewing machine all the time, and that noise of the sewing machines never seemed to stop. Dalan’s mother used to say to you while working: ‘‘I know Dalan has suffered enough. All of her teachers had told me to let her attend high school, but we just could not afford that. The thirteen yuan of Dalan’s living costs is extremely useful…’’
The train stopped again and more passengers came in. You did not leave or even change the pose because you were still emerged in the past.
Your grades had always been above the average, and it would not be difficult for you to go to high school. But you chose the part work part study schools instead. You had asked for advice from your teachers, and they replied that they could not help because they did not know much of this kind of schools.
You looked at the enrollment guide and thought it would be great to travel around, so you chose ‘‘diesel trains’’. Then you thought it would be nice to paint, so you wrote ‘‘textiles printing and dying’’. Then you thought ‘‘plastic industry’’ was the newly developed industry. Finally, you were enrolled into your third choice—the school of plastic industry.
You were different from all the other students. You chose this school because of the influence of your family’s political background. Your father was a Rightist.
There was a Chinese-American girl in your compound with beautiful blue eyes, and you would be impressed by her beauty every time you met her. It was heard that her grades were also great, but she was not admitted into a college because her father was American, so she went to Quwo’s countryside. The power of model was immense, you thought there would be no use to go to a high school if you were not to be enrolled into a college, so you gave up the normal high schools.
The main building of plastic factory was made of the smaller factories built in 1958. After two weeks of working and studying in the factory, the students gradually got familiar to the process and the workers also liked the students. But things had changed since the Workers Propaganda team entered the school. The team member in your class was called Hongwei Wang, who you had seen before in the factory. But that was not her name in the factory, and she was not a prominent figure. She now turned into a housewife with no knowledge but just a bad temper. After she had talked to everyone in sequence, she lectured you on not paying attention to the Workers Propaganda team. You were so confused and later found out that those who did pay attention to the team were those who spent days together with the team members and talked about others’ gossip in which you had no place to talk.
Was it me to blame？Wasn’t it a sycophant to pay attention to this kind of Workers Propaganda team？
The sky started to light up outside the window, and the passengers went to the bathroom in disorder.
The leader of the Workers Propaganda team, Ruiqing Zhu, called you to his office, and you were surprised to found the original secretary of Youth League Committee, Ying Shu, who had been missing for a long time was also present.
You were not at home yesterday night when the team urged your family to transfer the registered permanent residence. Your mother was censored in isolation because she had been suspected to be the spy for both the Central Bureau and the Bureau of Investigation and Statistics controlled by the Nationalist Party. The only person in your home was your younger brother who did not graduate from primary school. The notes on your bed were all taken away by the team and you were told by your neighbor that you were required to come to the school tomorrow.
You sat face to face with Ruiqing Zhu and Ying Shu. Ying Shu opened his notebook while Ruiqing Zhu was adjusting his pose to a more comfortable one. He asked you in an interrogating tone：“Can you talk about your opinion on these notes？”
“I did not see any notes. ”
Ruiqing Zhu pulled out several notes from his pocket and put one in front of you. It was not signed, but the handwriting was Dalan’s. Go your own way and let other people talk.
“Who wrote this？What does it mean？”
“There is no signature on it, how would I know！By the way, is it wrong to let me go the way to the countryside？”You quickly tore the note into pieces as you spoke.
Ying Shu stared at you：“What are you doing！”
“It is useless once you have seen it！”
Ruiqing Zhu looked at the notes in his hand, picked another one and pressed it on the table to show you. It was signed and it was from Mao’s quotation：Our comrades, we will see progress and light, and raise our spirits.
You raised your eyelid：“Is it even wrong to use Chairman Mao’s quotation？”
You raised your head and tried to retain your tears, but those tears fell down like waterfall. It confused you because you should remain calm in this very moment.
You had been free for a long time. In November, you returned to school after you heard the Workers Propaganda team had entered the school. Even though Hongwei Wang said you did not pay attention to the Workers Propaganda team, you still felt that you did care about it.
You never expected it would be this kind of “talking”because you thought there was nothing to talk about since you never refused to go to the countryside.
“You said he did not say anything improper, then why don’t you tell us his school？What do you fear about？”
“You have to be faithful to the Party and believe in the team……”
“You always said you would listen to the Party, did you only say that verbally？……”
“Don’t you believe in the Workers Propaganda team or the Party？……”
Your head became dumb and your heart entangled in the words of Zhu, you never knew there would be so many implications and distortions of your notes. You wiped away your tears and said like you were losing your breath：“No.11 middle school for girls. ”
Through you tears you saw Zhu looking at you with a smile, like a cat was playing with a mouse：“There you go. Where is No.11 middle school for girls？”
“I don’t know, I have never been there before.”
“That doesn’t matter, we will find it anyway. Another reason we called you here is that we heard you don’t care about or cooperate with the movements in school nor the Workers Propaganda team. Do you have anything to say about that？……”
Ying Shu stopped taking notes and started talking“Everyone in the school knows you always have a lot of complaints about Wen Ye, but why do you remain silent now when the team has organized so many meetings and collected so many materials against him to criticize him？Why are you always so against the Workers Propaganda team？ ”
Ying Shu’s interruption made you calm again. You tried to talk in a clear voice while the tears were still coming down your face“I admit that Wen Ye and I had some disagreement. I think he had made terrible mistakes because he treated the capitalist roaders the same way they treated us, which meant that he was also on bourgeois reactionaries’ side. And while you kept saying you have important materials to publish, I have not seen anything that can prove his counterrevolutionary crime. I cannot call him a counterrevolutionary just because we had different opinions.”
Because of knowing her quite well, you despised Ying Shu from the bottom of your heart. How active she was when she’s on the bourgeoisie reactionary’s side, and how successful was her when almost all the young teachers were being criticized harshly. When the time came to criticize the bourgeoisie, she escaped to give birth to her child; and now she suddenly showed up again, entered the Workers Propaganda Team, and even criticized other people. What a villain！Although your eyes were filled with tears, you tried your best to make them look scornful.
The moment you walked out of the office, you ran back to the compound to inform Xiaohui to be prepared. Xiaohui had not returned, so you rushed to find Lili. Lili turned furious once she heard the whole story：“You are a betrayer！”
Your face turned pale, and you said with your hand cold as ice：“I did not say Xiaohui’s name……they are the Workers Propaganda Team！”
“That is a betrayal！Who dares to make friend with you！”
Like a slap on your face, you were thrilled by the fact that it was so easy to become a traitor！Without tiger bench, or pepper spray, or bamboo sticks nailing on the fingers, you told the Workers Propaganda Team everything just to win their trust！Your heart was torn into pieces.
Your eyes become full of tears again, and you keep your eyes open to retain the tears.
You hear that the train has arrived at Jinzhou. You ask a pair of old couples to look after your luggage for a while and tell them that you want to buy some snacks on the station. You buy the cheapest bag of apple and toss your wallet secretly before returning to the train.
Everyone on the train has seen that there was someone seeing you off in Beijing and that you got off the train, so it would be easier if there is another checking for the ticket.
Although you have heard that there were a number of students from Beijing travel through the countryside by catching hold of the train due to a lack of money, you still fear to be caught. You have spent all the money to prepare for the luggage, so you asked your mother who was being censored to give you some money. She gave you 70 yuan and only left the loose change for herself, claiming that she and your younger brother can think of some other solutions. You did not know how long you would have to rely on this money, so you had to save every coin since nothing was certain.
The old couple see your returning and find a seat for you：“Where are you going ？”
“I am going to Baicheng to see my brother. ”
“You must be tired.”
You smiled in gratitude：“Thank you, but I am not tired. ”And that is the truth.
Lin Jingsheng’s visit was a timely rain for you. He came to your home to tell you the route to Inner Mongolia.
Once the news about going to the countryside was published, your letter was sent to everywhere, to your friends and relatives in Beijing as well as those who had gone prior to you, even to those who you did not know at all. That was the only way you had, you could not imagine what it would be like to obey the allocation of the school, and you could not stand the vicious collective exile. Your pride made you unable to face that “Good news”and your mind was on the brink of collapse.
Among the telegraph you sent, Yunnan was your first choice. In the Woods of Xishuangbanna was your favorite film and you had been fascinated by that beautiful place.
On the January 28th of 1968, you met a schoolmate who came to say goodbye, and he told you that they were going to leave Beijing on February 4th. You rushed to the City Police Station, but Du Xiaohe, who was in charge of this, refused your application because you did not have the agreement from the Second Qingju. On February 2nd, you went to the meeting with those going to Yunnan with your friend and begged them for several hours to let you get on the last train. But all of them refused. On February 6th, you met Wang Shuli and he told you that there were two places remaining, and agreed to call you that night. But several nights had passed and there was no good news. You had to give up.
Under the circumstance that they had to leave Beijing, those young students got prepared for the journey and had confidence and ideal in their hearts.
One of your friends, Yu Hong, who also went to Yunnan called you back soon and introduced the sister of a classmate of hers to let you go with accompany. It would take several days to travel from Kunming to Ruili, the border of Yunnan. You bought everything for the trip but the girl suddenly told you that she might receive the official allocation to Yunnan farmland from her school and asked you to wait for a little longer. But you could not wait anymore.
News from Hainan also asked you to wait.
There was no news from other places……
You knew there would be something bad happen to you and you almost lost control of yourself. But Lin Jingsheng came at that very moment.
The old couple ask you：“Why didn’t you eat？”
You then take the bread out and eat it.
Your application was different from others, with its title Following Chairman Mao to the Long March, a song you always sang in the collective activities.
Follow Chairman Mao in the Anti-Japanese War,
Cross the layers of blockade line,
Tramp over the snow mountain,
Walk through the swamp,
25,000 miles of long march,
The miracle of the revolution,
……
It was added by your classmates another part：“Follow Chairman Mao in the Cultural Revolution……” You borrowed this line from the song and you had no intention to stay in Beijing.
You heard with your own ear a girl who had always “paid attention to the Workers Propaganda Team” act coquettishly to the team member and ask about the result of writing the application. That team member told her it was not risky at all for her to write it.
The Workers Propaganda Team had claimed to rule out those who was not obedient from the workers’ team.
You knew you were the target to be ruled out no matter you wrote the application or not.
You knew that if Zhanbao Island could take any young students, you would certainly go. You wanted to go to any place that would be in battles, and you wanted to go the most dangerous borders. You wanted to prove that you were not those who should be cleared out of the team, that you were willing to die in the battlefield once you heard gunfire. You wrote the application with these thoughts：Going to the countryside, although more distant from Beijing, pulls my heart closer to Chairman Mao.
The train moving to the North and Beijing become more and more distant from you. You held the kite of memory, you cannot let it go.